A Strange Turn of Events Indeed
by Scraggles
Summary: The story of what happens when the realization hits that the fal'Cie that have governed your world since its beginning are on crack. Be warned: contains crack, sexual-references, language, and other oddities. This fic is a joke, really.


**Ello, all. This is just something I wrote in a thirty minute or so period for no real reason at all. It just sort of happened and is in no way serious at all. Flame me if you want. I really don't care all that much. This is just pure ass-toffee... or shall I say ASTOFI, which is the end result of my formula, 'boredom, plus computer, plus reading crack-fics, plus word document equals ASTOFI,' meaning a catastrophe of literature, revolving around A Strange Turn of Events . . Indeed.**

**Enjoy, if you possibly can.  
**

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"Pitious l'Cie," Orphan drawled, watching as the six fighters fell before him . . her … shim.. it – whatever pronoun you could possibly use to describe the thing (and its apparent status as a floating, metallic orgy) . . How would you put that? _Them? _.. I think I'll just settle with 'him,' since most of the game was filled with gender-bending crackheads anyway, but back to the story. Orphan watched as they fell before him, glowering with spite and hatred. "Try and try as you might, you may never achieve your focus. How many times must you fail?" he asked as his other heads waved back and forth for no apparent reason. "One of you must transform into Ragnarok and put me out of my misery. Which one of you will bear the burden? I mean, I'm not just going to kill myself, you know."

"Oh please," Fang growled, "Give me a break, you overgrown emo-tard. You've been sitting here for half a millenia waiting on someone to slit your wrists for you. Now isn't that a little pathetic? Couldn't you have at least saved us the effort?" she asked, twirling her beating stick around for effect.

The hulking metal flailed defensively. "I am _not_ emo, I'll have you know," he bellowed, "I'm just misunderstood!" He continued, flailing more furiously and appearing to cry, "You want to talk about effort? I do all this work for all you bastards, and this is how I get paid for it! Seven thousand years and I don't get a single ounce of gratitude! You know what? Fmphmphamph!" He was cut off as a giant metal hand suddenly found its way into his mouth.

"Well... that doesn't answer my question at all," Fang stated blankly, frowning as she watched the spectacle. "Sure is fun to watch though," she said, as the contraption twisted around in a way that could only be described as confusing and utterly bizarre. I mean, in what way does attempting to remove someone's hands from your person require dancing the electric slide? … It doesn't.

"What the hell? What do you think you're doing?" the other head, a long and phallic one, with a sort of pedophilic looking face asked, hissing in the weird, two-tone voice that seemed to be popular with these evil, I'm-going-to-take-over-the-world-or-die-trying types, "This wasn't in the script!"

"I know," The maiden-head (haha, I made a funny) replied, giggling – a creepy sight to behold, mind you – and proceeding to rub the other side of Orphan's face as he gagged and proceeded to spit and gurgle, "but I couldn't resist!"

The long head appeared to shrug, "New on the job, I see.." He grunted, and continued to watch as the party looked on in awe. "You know," he added, "If you keep doing this, they might not have to kill him. It might not be so bad."

Sazh blinked. This was unbelievable. "We _are_ seeing this, right?"

"Erm.. As much as I don't want to admit it, I think so," Lightning replied, hand loosely gripping her gunblade. She looked back to the others. "Should I just . . stab it now?" she asked, unsure of what to make of the ordeal.

"This is disturbing," Snow mumbled.

Hope sighed. "Thank you, Captain Obvious."

A couple more minutes of slack-jawed silence passed.

"I'm thinkin' we should be leavin' right about now. They look like they're havin' a little too much fun up there," Fang finally concluded, after taking a few pokes at it with her spear. Each had resulted in a yelp loud enough to crack glass. She shrugged, "It's Light's decision though."

Lightning turned around, having seen enough. "Well," she said, "This probably isn't good for Hope, as far as what to do and what not to do, concerning sexual education, but I'm thinking we should go with the 'let's not and say we did policy here.'"

"I'm guessing you're referring to the 'you put the wee-wee in a hoo-hoo and then a baby falls out' clause. Am I wrong?" Hope asked.

Fang slapped her forehead. "I knew I should've never let Vanille teach you Biology."

"Hey! I was going by what you told me!" the read-head retorted, pouting.

"Guys, guys!" Snow jumped in, waving his hands about in a way that was somewhat reminiscent of the clusterfuck that Orphan was contorting into behind him, "This is getting way off topic! Chill!"

"Fine." Fang said, relaxing a bit, "but you realize that if we kill this thing, all those damned speeches about saving Cocoon and carving out our own fate will be hypocritical, right? Can you guys live with that?"

"Um, sure?" Hope shrugged, not really knowing how to answer.

She smiled, "Great. All in favor say 'I'?"

Snow bit his cheek. "Ermm..."

"Also, 'erm' is accepted," she added, grinning, "So the vote stands one to zero. You can't pussy-foot around everything you know. Some things, you just gotta do," she hummed, once again whipping around her stick, which seemed to further demolish the remains of her sanity.

And so, the party destroyed Orphan for no other reason than just to rid their sight of his horrible, incestuous image. As for our heroes, Fang and Vanille went on to be encased in a giant pillar of crystal, which for some apparent reason, acquired internet access, rendering them able to hack all manner of machines and irritate all life on Pulse, but mostly just Lightning, due to the extremely exploitable and proliferate wifi technology. Snow and Serah were married two days after the entire ordeal, and were surprised to find out that Serah already had one in the oven, resulting in the hospitalization and near-death of one very proud father-to-be, courtesy of an extremely homicidal ex-soldier. Sazh was reunited with his son, Dajh, of course, and finally got to name that cute little chocobo chick after who knows how long of having to clean bird poop out of his hair, thank the heavens. It lived on to frequent the little boy's fro for many years to come. As for Hope, he didn't do much of anything after everything went down because he was pretty much useless anyways. Lightning on the other hand, managed to cause more mayhem than all the others put together. The details on that, however, I'm afraid I can't disclose. Wouldn't want to make her majesty angry, would I?

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**Cheers, love, crack, and happiness. ;)**

**Also, isn't it odd that spell-checking '****Fmphmphamph' results in the option of replacing it with 'methamphetamine'? Suggestive, much?**


End file.
